Of Interest?

7:39PM

I remember with chilling detail, how I will die.

But enough of that, this journal dies, and with it, the furry that was "Vixen".


So, enjoy your times people because at the end of the day, I don't actually care.

1:31PM

Deleted Nathan.

Also, at Cameron's house with John and Greg.
They are so cool. And it's amazing what people are willing to tell you about a certain person when you talk to them.


The party tonight isn't going to hold any furs but Cameron and Myself because others have been extremely rude in not replying.
The only two who have are Farf and Raff, who are apparently too hungover to do anything.

That's cool. At least they called and cancelled.


Awesome music here.

Forest - S.O.A.D... ^.^


Cameron's sister and mom are actually really nice people.

Cameron's mom is old fashioned.
And I have told her that I will not be the flavour of the month, nor the flower, nor a lush.

7:18PM

Ever been so scared in your life you've frozen to the spot in fear?
Ever had the fear where you can think and move and act normally, and all you want to do is explode into tears?

Well, I've both both and I'm petrified. And Nik's left me to deal with this.
Pussy-whipped bitch.

But, I am the most dependable person ever.
Emotionally at least, because I won't break.
But, I think this time, I've got to lose it or I'm going to fracture some part of me and that won't recover.

So... I'm sending Nathan back his toys, and/or dropping them off while he's away from home.
Considering blocking/deleting with intentions not to recover the items.
... Still considering.

I'm going to a party Saturday, more like a mini-meet/party and minus anyone who'll give a shit if I pass out on the couch or not.
I'm going to drop in the resumes, and attend the meetings Monday.

And stare into the face of people as they tell me they care, but their eyes don't smile.

Oh, yeah. I broke my celibacy too.
And feel better. Better mood at least.

10:37PM

2:22PM

Some time ago, I made a statement about certain things occurring.
To all of you who said it wouldn't happen. I laugh in your face.
You don't see it, but I do. So, what did I tell you?

So Monday morning, I'm off to organize some stuff with JPet, CL and a certain company who's going to tear down Pizza Hut's "light up" sign out the front. I wonder how that will affect sales?

Probably a lot since you can't see the store from any real direction unless you're a regular, or you're in the parking lot.

12:08AM - Kevin comes Home

Well,

Myspace yields interesting details now and then...

And one last night is I have been offered $300 to sleep with a total random.
Did I accept? No. I have morals.
But fuck, I thought it was absolutely fucking brilliant.

A random, wants a goth, and picks me, without a picture of who I am, what I am, and offers it to me out of the blue.
Oh, yes, and the dude looks familiar as. From high school or something. Can't place him, but he may be the brother of
a person I used to know or he may have been with me at something/Karate maybe.

We'll see.

It's still funny as fuck.

And I'm talking to Kevin again.
The guy I never got over. It's been a while, and wow he's so much more mellow.
So much more calmer. I'm amazed. But, yes, I'm going to say it, I still love him.

Just as I love Michael. Pickle? No.
Michael is taken, has been for 16 months.

But, this is one thing I know about Kevin that hit hard home.

He's not happy.


- Edit - -

Mel's over.

10:34PM

UCAUTION

IN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP KITANA RAGEWING AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES.

Funny how this fits so well into my every day life now isn't it?

Oh, swallowed six tablets of Nurophen plus..
No Effect whatsoever. My body has a) a HIGH tolerance b) Hates me.

..................

About the INTP

Expert Quotes & Links

"INTPs are relatively easy-going and amenable to most anything until their principles are violated, about which they may become outspoken and inflexible. They prefer to return, however, to a reserved albeit benign ambiance, not wishing to make spectacles of themselves." - INTP Profile (TypeLogic) "The INTP is above all a thinker and his inner (private) world is a place governed by a strong sense of logical structure. Every experience is to be rigorously analysed, the task of the INTP's mind is to fit each encountered idea or experience into a larger structure defined by logic." - An INTP Profile (intp.org) "INTPs live in the world of theoretical possibilities. They see everything in terms of how it could be improved, or what it could be turned into. They live primarily inside their own minds, having the ability to analyze difficult problems, identify patterns, and come up with logical explanations. They seek clarity in everything, and are therefore driven to build knowledge. They are the "absent-minded professors", who highly value intelligence and the ability to apply logic to theories to find solutions." - Portrait of an INTP (The Personality Page)

"The Architects' distant goal is always to rearrange the environment somehow, to shape, to construct, to devise, whether it be buildings, institutions, enterprises, or theories. They look upon the world -- natural and civil -- as little more than raw material to be reshaped according to their design..." - The Portrait of the Architect Rational (iNTp) (Keirsey) "INTPs contribute a logical, system-building approach to their work. They like being the architect of a plan, because of the scheming and thinking involved, far more than being the implementer of that plan. Implementation tends to be drudgery. They are content to sit back and think about what might work, given their view of the situation. INTPs may ignore standard operating procedures. The hours that they spend are not what is important to them, but rather the completion of their thought process" - INTP - The Wizard (Lifexplore) "likes solitude, not revealing, unemotional, rule breaker, avoidant, familiar with the darkside, skeptical, acts without consulting others" - Jung Type Descriptions (INTP) (similarminds.com)

People will argue against this - saying I am an emotional little fuck.
But then, some will say that LJ is my emotional playground and in the physical I'm your uber-duper super bitch with NO emotions.
So take your pick.




Oh 1% of females are this.
4% of males
2.5% Of the population .

SO... This means I'm rare.

10:13PM

Today has been a decent day.

After not attending my psych. And apparently having my number passed to another psych. I will be calling Kathy tomorrow to organize a shift of psych's. I like being patronized. But only when it's obvious that the person has some form of witty intelligence that backs up the degree they have in psychology, if they don't. They shouldn't be dealing with me.

Who ever thought Art Therapy was a legitimate form of therapy was as nuts as probably the Jesuits and Mormons in one. ( pardon my blasphemy of the "Original and One True Sacred" blah blah blah.

Two cemetaries, one bottle of St Benedict Port up and I'm happy.

New Norcea = Fucking cool.

12:14AM

Maybe it's the late hour.
Maybe it's the fact that affection is missing so constantly from my life.
Maybe it's because I'm quite alone, but am beginning to enjoy it.
Maybe it's just all in my mind.

I beginning to feel down.
Tomorrow Nathan wants to give me my "good girl" present.
While I admire the thought, it feels a little demeaning.
It's made me question just how much I've let people control me.

Tyranids or not. Dignity can be lost by the loss of personal strength.

I found myself curling up to Anton, and enjoying the feeling.
So I know I'm missing human affection. I miss a warm caring touch.
But, this won't change because I won't let people close.
You could ask me why until the cows come home, and I don't know why I instinctively push people away.

Hell, I'm thankful my phone isn't on me so I don't message W. with a viscious undeserved attack.
I suppose, thinking on motive, it's to do with LACK of affection towards me first, or I view the world as I give affection but have none in return. So why should I continue to pour out warmth, love and light if the return is so cold, distant and unfriendly?

I suppose I am going to suffer because my past has dictated my future, and no one quite understands I am a creature of habit.
I'll keep going back and getting zapped until one day I snap, and tear the thing apart then settle back into my routine of being zapped and confused.

------------

I thought on something today. Quite hard too.
My therapist wants to talk about my childhood.

What childhood?
I didn't play. I didn't have a mom.
I had to take care of my siblings and take care of mom or avoid her depending on the days.
I had to sacrifice myself to keep them happy. I lost everything that was apart of me when I did that.
I don't regret it. But I missed out on not caring if bills weren't paid. I missed out on scraping my knee and having someone to comfort me when I felt down.

Even now, I can't cry in front of others.
It's a weakness and no one is allowed to see it.
No one really fills that gap I have for someone to comfort me.

I could blame mom for everything, and most of it I do.
You don't tell a four year old to take care of a three and one year old while you watch T.v.
 *shrugs*

Tears don't mean much when you're in pain.
Yeah. I dislocated my knee when Kanga lost it with me cause I lost it at Sol and David at work.

------------------

Disorientated.
I don't think I should have written any of that and should have just left it normal.
But, now anyone knows, somethings that make me sad.

Thinking of my childhood.
Thinking of affection.
Thinking of Comfort.
Thinking of Hope.

........

I could say nothing really means anything but I get hurt easily and offended by what people say sometimes.

I heard recently that people think I hate Muchi.
You're actually quite endearing and funny.

I also heard that I've slept with Cameron.
That conversation was quite funny actually.

That gave me a reason to smile at work and to really give people the shits.
P.s Glenn is Uber smexy.

----------------------------

I probably failed work today.
One reason I don't work Sundays = Buses are insanely wrong timetabled.

And I only fell short by one batch,
I still feel bad anyways. I failed Kanga.

10:45PM

A list of my week :

X-rays done. Results will not be posted.
I will deal with that issue by myself minus anyone's input on the subject.


Nathan informed me some time ago Muchi felt unwelcome to Kanga's house.
You throw a person who's normally anti-social into a a social group and see what happens.
I did my best to make Muchi feel welcome. Obviously it wasn't enough.

Btw, your "Soviet Russia" comment wasn't appreciated.
Look up what actually goes on there thank you Muchi.
 P.s The next time you come over, I'll be sure you feel welcome by either a) locking my door or B) Not being present.

Is that ok by you?

Cameron stayed over Saturday, we had a little fur meet of our own here. Nik woke up hung-over, I woke up fine, Cameron woke up fine.
Thank you Jack for the invite but I'm glad now I didn't go. I don't think I wish to associate with people who perform strip poker.

Hooked up with Glenn and Cameron Sunday, that movie fucking rocked arse. 2:10 session sold out, saw it at 3:10.
I'm going to go see it again. Had pizza from Pizza Hut provided by Drak's fine pizza skills. Came home.

Watched some of The L Word. Not bad for the first pilot but the girls really don't know what they're doing. Quite hesitant body language understandably.

More bills and I am paying all of the gas bill.
I could care less as long as I get paid my proper amount.
I don't. I will leave. I do not care anymore. I have been fucked around enough with my pay.
Out of the five, I have been paid twice correctly to my knowledge. Still owed money from 16 hours of shifts and I've dropped that now since it's obvious I will not be paid for it.

Thank you Pizza Hut.


--------------

News about my Fursona.
It is undertaking an overhaul, and I have the image in mind.
This is only be revealed to people who express interest in it.

P.s I am no longer Vixen.

My name is Kitana.
I would prefer it if you referred to me as Kit or Rage.
Thank you.

...

I am dreading these results.
The pain came back, and now it's a little worse off than before.


-----

Recent songs :

Three Days Grace - Let You Down
Three Days Grace - Pain
Three Days Grace - Over and Over
Inkubbus Sukkubis - Dark Mother
Inkubbus Sukkubis - Vampyre Erotica

There are now 119 songs on my mp3 player with room for at least another 70.
Someone's a happy happy HAPPY person

5:17PM

2:44PM - Some emails are bloody strange translated

Translated Email..
Origin : Unknown
Language Translated : Possibly Indonesian  ( Reference : Freddy VS Jason in Indonesian )

Anyone want to suggest ( guess wildly ) at what this *could* have been?

11:54PM

Nik and I discussing the benefits of my mini ninjas getting into my head through my ears:

( After pulling retardo face )
Nik: Obviously those katanas aren't doing a good enjoy job.
( Me pulls another weird face )
Nik: If they're going to make you change your looks, it might as well be decent!"

( Much laughter ensures)

Nini Minjas are my creation and are the sole reason my air-vents are my second worst fear in the world. ^.^
Yays!

6:33PM - Differences of Life

 How to tell your're Emo, Goth or Normal from Birth :


Normal : Doctor spanks your cute lil butt and hands you over to mommy
Goth      : You slap the doctor for letting you out into the light, and find the nearest game station
Emo      : Your mother needs stitches because you cut her on the way out.

........

Tomorrow is the Therapist.
And at 10, I have a JCA, or Job Capacity Assessment.

Now, two things are in my favour with this :

a) recent x-rays of deformed right knee
b) Therapist can't figure out what's wrong with me, needed training.

One thing that may not work in my favour is :

c) Mysterious Illness.

- Test results need to come back for Blood and UT analysis.
- Abdomen X-rays need to be done tomorrow too.

Then we get to see what's going on with the interior!

Yay.

1:00AM

One of these days I will :


a) two males have sex ( not necessarily furrie, but in person )
b) Watch a male use a Zeta toy
c)  Sleep when I'm dead

1:27AM - Melbourne Is Coming

Happy Black Friday my loves.

Don't drink and drive.
Wait, you've already done that.

7:19PM - Driving Rules

8:11PM - The End

The friendship with Michael is ended.

.......

It's like Kevin all over again.
Just this time, it is compounded by the fact I was good enough, but I wasn't better.

----


I hurt. But, some people are helping me out.
You are not one of them.

Be happy.
Never cry tears again.

2:09PM

I had this awesome posts from an old friend... And I got rid of it! *grrs*
Anyways, it went along the lines of "I love you. I've loved you for so long, I've searched everywhere else but you're the one" Etc.
Then it went on to call me a freak... This coming from the guy who wanted to introduce his daughter into a sex life. *lifts eyebrows*

Yeah. I have this unique talent to find the fucktards. I win.
No one else's friends are weirder than mine.

--------

In the last 56 hours I've gotten roughly 18 hours worth of sleep. From working to stress, to random shit I really shouldn't be doing to annoying people on the side and getting rid of acquaintances I've had my hands full. On top of this, pissing off Nik and Kanga and probably anyone else in the vicinity.

For that I apologize but it happens. With me, a fair amount more regularly than normal.


*yawns*

Tired.

12:59AM - The Timing Is Perfect

This week has been almost like a turning point, minus the actual continuous movement required for that final step of faith. I am currently talking to Ourigin, an acquaintance   of mine from some time ago. Needless to say, the history there is spectacular because we neither match as friends should, nor do we even consider the other even a remotely placed confidante, yet we continue to talk on the occasion as it suits us.

Odd, isn't it?

The events of last night will go unsaid. But nonetheless, I wasn't impressed and neither were a few other people, but I for one am glad it's over and done and dealt with. Should it come up again, I won't hear people out, I won't let them talk or say their piece. I will listen to music in my room, barricade the door til the next morning and destroy my sim card. Keeping, of course, numbers that are necessary.

Never that I would do that, but the thought is very alluring.

.......

Explaining to Ourigin my like for Voyeurism.
Exploits etc I have done, and committed, all without touching a single person.
It's quite good to recount those memories, so fresh as they are.

---------

I have considered some options, and I know the path I want to follow.
I just hope the person I have chosen will come with me, or I will venture out alone and disconnect them completely.

Venturing alone isn't peaceful, and I would like a companion who I get along with, who is simple, stable, who is intellectual without the problems of insensitivity. Quiet, but can be fun, when given the opportunity and who is dominant, without needing to yell it like it's a fashion statement of a canary suit...

The luck of this? And being a fur?
Bucklies.

I feel lonely, but I am happy.
I have my cats, I have my music and friends.

I don't think, right now, I need anymore than that.